I Can't Do This
by MegannLoouise
Summary: It's been three and a half weeks since Gill's kidnap and the death of Helen Bartlett, but Gill can't seem to get over it. She finds comfort in her friend, Julie, and things escalate from there, but Julie doesn't know if people would see her as taking advantage of Gill when she's vulnerable.


The bell rang on Gill Murray's front door. She lifted her head off the sofa in a state of panic and noticed the three bottles of wine on the living room table.

_Who's that at the door? I haven't invited anyone round, have I? Oh God. What if something's happened to Sammy?_

It was surprising how quickly she sobered up when she thought her son might be in danger – she'd gotten used to it, she supposed. Whenever someone rang the bell she had a horrible feeling that it was bad news and something had happened to someone she loved, despite most of the time it usually being the man to read the electricity meter or someone trying to sell her double glazing. She couldn't help but worry if she got woken up by the doorbell. She kept having this reoccurring nightmare that Helen Bartlett went after Sammy because she couldn't get to Gill and it scared her shitless even though she realised Helen was dead every time she woke.

She ran to the door and answered it.

Julie.

"Hiya, Slap!" Julie stood on Gill's doorstep, dressed in a suit. It was evident that she'd just come from work and Gill wondered why she wanted to visit her instead of going home and relaxing after a long day, like she would usually do.

"Oh, it's you." Gill gave a sigh of relief that it wasn't more serious and her nightmare hadn't come true. She still had to put up with Julie though. She didn't want people getting her wrong – she loved Julie but sometimes she just wanted to be on her own. Times like this.

"Woah, don't sound too happy about it," Julie remarked.

"Sorry, I was asleep. What do you want?"

"Well I was hoping that you'd invite me in and we could have a chat. Rachel and other people at work have noticed that you've not really been yourself lately," Julie replied.

"Oh, well you'd think I'd be top of the world after being held at knifepoint and then watching someone die," Gill remarked sarcastically. "But I must be bad if even Rachel's noticed."

"Yeah," Julie looked awkwardly at the floor. "So, can I come in? I've brought food." She held up a white paper bag with takeaway food inside.

"I take it it's takeaway?" Gill asked. "I've never seen you cook since 1995."

"Oi, cheeky! But yeah, it's takeaway," Julie replied.

Gill tried to remember the last time she'd eaten. It must have been breakfast. No wait, she was late this morning so she had to skip it. She had managed to grab a banana during her 5 minute break with Chris but that wasn't enough to keep her going for a whole day. She opened the door wider and Julie squeezed past her.

Julie made her way into Gill's living room and was astounded by the mess. Wine bottles covered the floor and takeaway containers were strewn over both sofas.

"Yeah, erm, sorry about this. I haven't really felt like tidying up," Gill apologised.

"It's okay, I understand," Julie replied. "But it's been three and a half weeks, Gill, you need to sort yourself out." These were stern words from her best friend but Gill knew she was right – she was a mess.

"Yes, I know. And I'm going to. Just let me do it in my own time. I don't really do the whole 'getting kidnapped' thing very well." Gill tried to joke but Julie could see the pain in her eyes.

"Never mind about that for a while, let's eat!" Julie tried to take Gill's mind off her ordeal.

"Sounds like a plan to me! What are we having?" Gill asked.

"Chinese." Julie looked up to find Gill making a funny face. "What's up?" she asked.

"You know I'm more of an Indian girl myself," Gill replied.

"I know you, Gillian Murray – you eat anything that's been fried! God knows how you keep up that figure."

"That's true. Well, Julie Dodson, it must be my youthfulness that keeps my waist small." Gill winked at Julie as she sat down and poured a glass of wine.

"Shut up, you're only six months younger than me! At least I have my youthful good looks to keep me going," Julie joked.

Gill nearly choked on her wine because of this remark. "Youthful? Good looks? You? Shut up, you fat arsed bitch!"

Julie gasped. "You know that's really rude, don't you?! I do have youthful good looks!" She stroked her hair like she'd seen the models do on the shampoo adverts, but instead of looking like a model she just looked like a middle aged woman stroking her hair, going a bit mad.

Gill cackled at her friend. She couldn't remember the last time she'd laughed this much. "Shut up and eat, you freak," she remarked.

"No sooner said than done," Julie replied.

"Sounds about right," Gill said into her wine glass so Julie wouldn't hear her, and she grabbed herself a plate and got stuck in.

xXxXx

"So why did you decide to come and visit me?" Gill asked. "It's usually me running after you with your hectic social life."

"I'm not sure if that was sarcasm or not so I'm going to take it as a compliment," Julie joked. "I told you before – people have been saying that you haven't been yourself and I thought I should come and check on you."

"Oh, yeah." Gill looked sheepishly into her wine glass.

Julie could tell that there was something not right with her best friend and wasn't ready to leave until she'd gotten to the bottom of it.

"What's up, Gill? You know you can tell me."

"Nothing," Gill replied.

Julie sighed. For once, just once, she wished that Gill would open up to her. It was bad to keep things bottled up inside for a long amount of time – Gill should have learnt that from her breakup with Dave. She kept that hidden for ten years and nothing good ever came from it. She could tell her friend was hurting despite Gill claiming that she was fine.

"Jesus Christ, Gill! You can tell me, you can trust me! I'm not going to go blabbing to the rest of the people at your syndicate – I'm not Kevin!" Julie knew the last thing was too far. Gill was still a bit sensitive about how Kevin had betrayed her and the rest of her team, but the remark did make her chuckle slightly.

"I know I can tell you anything, and I'm grateful for you being here for me, but I don't want to burden you with my troubles," Gill replied, her voice shaking in places.

"They're not a burden. YOU'RE not a burden. Just tell me what's wrong, it'll make you feel better," Julie insisted.

Gill's eyes glazed over and her vision blurred. "I've just never seen someone die before, you know?" She looked up at Julie just as a single tear fell down her cheek.

Julie felt a rush of emotion and felt like she had to protect her friend. She leaned over to the other side of the sofa and pulled Gill towards her. She pressed Gill's head to her chest as she sobbed into Julie's jacket.

"Ssssh, it'll be okay! I promise." Julie's eyes filled with tears as a sense of sympathy for her friend overcame her. She loved Gill so much and she wished that she wouldn't bottle things up as much as she did.

"Look at me – I'm a complete idiot." Gill lifted her head from Julie's chest. "Why am I crying over a psychopathic criminal?!"

"Because we all react to shock in different ways – some scream, some cry, some do nothing at all," Julie replied, pulling Gill closer and into a stronger hug.

"I really am grateful for this," Gill said between sobs.

"Hey, I know you'd be there for me if this was me. I'm just doing the same."

Gill looked up. "Thank you," she whispered.

Julie was right; she felt a lot better now that she'd let all of her emotions, particularly her anger, out. She still felt so vulnerable though, and couldn't wait until Julie left and she could just crawl into bed. As she looked at Julie stroking her hair, she saw something she'd never noticed before. Had her eyes always been that brilliant green colour? Or was it her tears that were making them blurry? Julie somehow looked younger now than she had when she arrived – maybe it was just the angle Gill was looking at her from. Or maybe it was something else.

"You're welcome," Julie replied.

Gill was suddenly overcome with an urge to thank her friend and to make it up to her for having to listen and comfort Gill for so long. She reached up, her lips puckered, and kissed Julie's cheek. Julie didn't know what was going on – it wasn't like Gill to show physical affection. She turned to face her friend to ask her what she was doing but before she could, Gill kissed her again. Their lips met and the roughness of Gill's wine ridden lips brushed against Julie's soft, sober mouth. Gill lingered there for a few seconds to see of Julie reacted but she didn't and so she held back. She sat on the other end of the sofa just staring at Julie, trying to get her head around what she had just done. Julie stared back at her, trying to figure out her feelings towards Gill. She loved her, yes, as a friend – nothing more. At least, she thought so. She didn't know.

Julie leaned across the sofa, her lips touching Gill's. She needed to kiss her again to find out if she felt anything towards her best friend and if Gill felt anything towards her, or if it was just lust. She knew Gill hadn't been with anyone for quite a long time – it wasn't really on the list of her top priorities. Their lips touched and it was better than the first time, Julie felt a sense of passion towards her friend and wanted it to go further. Gill sat up straighter, not wanting her mouth to lose touch with Julie's. She put her hand on Julie's knee and to her surprise, Julie didn't brush it off.

Gill pushed Julie against the arm of the chair, forcing her to slide down to sofa. She began to unbutton her blouse to reveal her bra, but Julie stopped her.

"Not here," she whispered. "What if Sammy walks in?"

"You're right. Come upstairs." Gill grabbed Julie's hand and led her out of the living room.

She pushed Julie up against the wall at the bottom of the stairs and kissed her roughly. She didn't think she'd ever wanted anything more than she wanted this.

Julie felt the same. But she couldn't help the little voice in her head doubting what she was doing. Was this right? Gill was slightly drunk, after all. Would she regret this in the morning? Wouldn't she be taking advantage of Gill being drunk, weak and vulnerable?

Julie pushed Gill off her. She began buttoning up her shirt again.

"I'm sorry, Gill. I can't do this, not now. I'd feel like I'm taking advantage you," Julie explained.

"Don't be stupid, I know what I'm doing," Gill whispered, caressing Julie's face.

"I don't think you do. I'm sorry," Julie replied.

And with that, she was out the door.


End file.
